I've not had much I wanted to blog about lately. Mostly because I've been taking a thoughtful pause in life. It's been good for me.
A few weeks ago, I was in a twist over some things that really bothered me with people and my state of being. Details of those things aren't really that important to put here but I will say that I was angry. I don't enjoy being angry. It's poison. To some degree it was good that I've reached the anger stage. But still, I don't enjoy anger. I was angry that I was angry. Even worse.
I unloaded on a very wise friend. She shared with me a loving-kindness meditation exercise to try (that shit ain't easy, folks). I modified my facebook settings so I could ignore unpleasant things. I've spent time alone thinking. I've enjoyed the simple and happy things that are in my life. And since then, I realized I only have a few choices when it comes to this type of anger. I can address it. I can ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist. Or I can feel it and try to understand the reasons and then let it go.
I've been trying to do the latter. It's hard but I feel like I've made some progress. This weekend I realized I'm not quite as angry as I was. Oh, it still flares up, make no mistake. BUT, I've found myself trying to focus on me. on the sun shining (when it does around here), on the wonderful interactions I have with random people. on the belly laughter that erupts every day while I'm sitting at my desk at work. on the hope that someone may just find me amazing one day. on a really good song playing loudly in the car. on a moment with someone in a bar. on a really great cup of coffee. on a run. on smiling over absolutely nothing. and mostly, on figuring out that I may just be amazing right now, in spite of everything else that seems so imperfect in my life at this moment.